This is the continuation of my previous thread, which can be found here:
http://forums.soompi.com/discussion/2022101/the-main-problems-that-i-find-with-most-guys-and-girls-do-nice-people-really-finish-last=======================================
ARTICLE B: THE MAIN PROBLEM FOR GIRLS
=======================================
The target person this article primarily addresses to is a girl who:
1) has/had a boyfriend
2) or wants a boyfriend (likes a guy) but he doesn't seem to give you attention as much as that "bad" girl
2) has positive intention to make her relationship work
3) has high expectations for her man, BUT
4) has failed many of her relationships, and/or
5) her ex's seemed to think they cannot "handle" her expectations, or have shown that they were greatly unsatisfied with the relationship.
--------------------------------------------------------
Both guys and girls have positive intentions about relationships, but girls do have their side of the issues too. The main problem I've found for girls is her idealistic belief/expectation for the relationship/her man. In a relationship, she often believes the guy should be doing/offer to do everything for her, such as giving her rides at all times, buying her gifts (too often), or maybe cooking food for her all the time or bringing her food/drinks/things for her all the time. Most girls are guilty of this, but for each girl, it is to a different extent. But the keyword here is "should". Most girls (and even some guys) hold an idealistic belief that "if" a guy loves her, he SHOULD do these things for her. It may sound alright for now, because in today's society, it is socially scripted that girls should be passive and guys should be doing everything... it can become a problem. Allow me to explain.
Here is an example I've encountered in my experience. There was a guy and a girl who were very much in love. He loved her a lot, and out of his love, he spoiled her like a "princess". Every day, he brought her lunch to her workplace (we will focus on one action, but of course there were many other actions too). At first, she was very happy because it made her feel special. But over time, because she held a belief that her guy SHOULD be doing all this ANYWAY (her ideology is that "IF" he loves me, he should...), she began to see this as a normal thing. She did not feel appreciation for his actions anymore. This was characterized by the disregard for his effort/intention, and the heavy regard for the result or performance of his action. She often complained about the lunch he brought her, such as "Wow. It took you 1 whole hour to bring me lunch? The food is cold." or "I TOLD you I wanted broccoli, not spinach!" This one time, she even threw the food that he carefully packed for her on the floor. The guy in the example was actually trying to be nice all the time and apologized for her inconsiderate complaints/actions, but this built up in him. One day, the guy was fed up with her complaints and left her with "I'm sorry, I can't be the boyfriend you want me to be."
When this problem worsens, there is a Chinese term to call it: the "Princess Disease". When a girl begins to strongly believe that a guy SHOULD be doing these things, appreciation for his actions often diminish or, in some cases, disappear entirely. In psychology, the depreciation by perceiving something as a NEW normal standard is called the Overjustification Effect. Although occasional "princess play" is cute and romantic, and it also shows her feminine side, when this becomes a strong idealistic belief, the guy begins to feel disrespected for his effort and positive intentions.
Why does this happen? Where does this belief come from? Again, just like anything, there usually isn't one single reason, but a combination of factors. Arguably, the most influential factor is perhaps the social media. Since we're talking about princesses, let's talk princess. Since childhood, media depicted what romance is like in cartoons. In North America, the most popular cartoons that depict this are Disney movies. Studies have shown that people can learn something simply by watching it happen (or watching others do it) without actually experiencing it as first-person themselves. This, in psychology, is called Vicarious Learning. And this is why media has such a strong effect on us. Now think about it. Since we are children, we've been influenced to believe certain ways "SHOULD" be in those ways because of vicarious learning from the media. Even parents sometimes treat their daughters like princesses. In our modern days, it is common to see parents making their daughters' rooms look like a princess bedroom with unicorns and rainbows. Now, that is not to say that this is wrong or right, but all these things do have an impact on the way people's beliefs when they become adults. But one thing for sure, love is a two-way street and no one party should feel disrespected in a healthy relationship.
So today as reasonable logical human beings, we can correct our beliefs. Let's continue our discussion about Disney movies. In a typical Disney movie, a princess is usually in need for some sort of help, and that help is usually offered and executed by the prince. For a typical example, a princess was trapped in a tower with a fire-breathing dragon. Then, prince charming arrives and conquers the dragon, thereby saving the princess. They hug and kiss and lived happily ever after. This is the same "backbone" for almost all Disney movies involving princesses, with a variation in each story. And over time, girls (and guys) begin to have a general idea of what romance "SHOULD" be like. Now, most girls are too carried away with imagining being the princess themselves that they disregarded other details. This is a normal thing because studies have shown that children tend to learn from gender-congruent role-models (ie. boys tend to learn things from his father or masculine figures like James Bond, while girls tend to be influenced her mother or feminine figures such as Barbie or female celebrities). But because of this pattern, girls become too carried away with only the princess-side of the story. In Disney movies, not only does the prince (the guy) does something for her, but the princess (the girl) also shows appreciation for the guy by reinforcing his effort with love (hugs, kisses, etc). Often, the second part (what the guy receives in Disney movies) is neglected. Most girls have imagined how nice it would be for a man to love her and treat her like a princess, they begin to unknowingly become self-centered in real-life relationships and forget the other major aspect...
In reality, guys are also humans. They are people with a mind, composed of both logic and EMOTIONS. Guys are also humans who have instinctual needs, wants, wishes, and ideas. Girls tend to forget that for a true beautiful fairytale to be complete, not only a princess should be in the story, there also needs to be a PRINCE. If respect is only one-way, a girl only cares about what she receives from the guy, and he isn't treated like a prince in return, then let me say this. A prince in real-life doesn't need to wear a crown or have a white horse, but he is a loving man with a big heart. It is up to the girl (that he loves) to believe that he is indeed her prince. If you don't treat him like a prince for all the effort he has put into you and the relationship, then who CAN be the prince for you?
So, on the flip side, sometimes guys also like to be treated like a king. This is a metaphor for mutual respect and effort. Love isn't a one-way street, so respect and effort for the relationship cannot be one-way either in a healthy relationship. In a healthy relationship, both parties support each other emotionally and improve each other's confidence. So girls, why don't you try this some time? Treat him like a king in return for all the love and effort your man has put into for you. But similarly, you never HAVE TO or SHOULD do any of this stuff, but it is BECAUSE you love him, you appreciate his effort and love. And it is because you respect your man, you also want to treat him like a king, ESPECIALLY if he spoils his sweetheart like a princess. If he respects you for the special treatment, then the relationship is healthy.
Think about it this way. Using the same medieval-time metaphor (kings and princesses), we have seen a mutually respected relationship in the prince-princess example. On the other hand, let's imagine a type of relationship where a guy is all out doing things for a princess, for her majesty. But the guy does not receive any appreciation in return because he HAS to do it, it is his JOB to. What kind of relationship do you think this is? In medieval times, this would be a relationship of her majesty (princess/queen) and her servant. Now let me ask you, girls. Do you want to be the woman of a prince/king? Or do you want to be the woman of a servant? Respecting your man does not only make him feel good, but it makes you feel proud knowing that you are the woman of a king.
That was from a social psychology point of view. In terms of evolution, a guy actually becomes turned-off (attraction-wise) when a girl does not support her man. This is because love, in evolution, is a commitment device. This device includes a mutual exchange of benefits. In the old "hunter-gatherer" days, men support their families/tribes by hunting for food and protecting the women/children. In return, the women reinforces men's actions by supporting him physically (e.g., offering to bear his children, offering food from gathering), and emotionally (e.g. respect and love). When a woman isn't giving respect for the man's effort, it undermines the likelihood for him to continue to provide his side of the benefits, and that is characterized by him feeling "turned-off". In today's era, this is when the guy loses his feelings for his girl.
Everything in a relationship is mutual. Guys aren't mind-readers. They're humans who can only perceive and interpret based on signals sent to him, whether it is by direct verbal communication (context, tone) or indirect non-verbal communication (body language, facial expressions). I know some girls would say "but if guys know what I want and do these things on their own, that's more romantic". Yes, in all those TV shows and Asian dramas you've watched, the guy seems to know what to do. But that isn't an accurate depiction of real life. In dramas, these guys are doing these things because the DIRECTOR DESIGNED THE DRAMA TO BE THIS WAY. In real life, it takes teamwork and positive communication between both parties. I know some girls, at this point, will start to feel sad about "being all real" and think this is less romantic. But trust me, you will actually feel much happier in a healthy relationship with your man this way!
Bottom line is, you live in the real world, not a fantasy one. So it is time to ditch the idealistic mentality and live a down-to-earth life. (Of course, it is nice to be lovey-dovey romantic sometimes, but if it is interfering with respecting and appreciating one another, then that should be when to say "enough is enough".) The sooner you make yourself comfortable in the real world, the sooner you will find your happiness.
--------------------------------------------------------
Thank you for reading my articles. I hope you find the content to be relatable and may even use them as good reference. All in all, love is beautiful, but takes both parties to make it work. For the gents, don't stop being nice; and for the ladies, appreciate your man when he is putting in effort to make you feel special. I wish you a "happily ever after" in all your love stories!
I would love to hear everyone's opinion! Please do share :D