Ever since I've been living here in Western Europe, I've been telling myself tales that I could cope [with the sometimes very rude and discriminating racist remarks, attitudes or simply hostile glances and/or stares].. but the more as time passes by the more I realize it was just a front to try to persuade myself that after all "all is not so worse and that if I really tried I would fit in and not bother with racial discrimination because isn't it the one to be blamed the racist one and not the one who is getting the racist comments..." with other words I tried to be the wise one and not let racism get the upper hand on me...
To add insult to injury, I'm not even a real Asian aka an adopted one from Korea. Sometimes when I get racist comments I feel really bad and.... angry..... like it's not fair I'm getting this kind of treatment as I'm fully white inside.... Not that I find it fair for others but what I'm saying is that everytime I get this kind of reminder that basically I'm not one of them - aka the white world - it makes me feel more and more displaced and if I were in better terms with the abandonment issues resulted from my adoption, maybe I would cope better, but unfortunately I don't. This is why I've always been more sensible to this kind of racial discrimination - because it always reminds me of my 'failed' adoption.
There was a time I would try and deny every bit of it. But not any longer.
... because I've decided it's been enoug!! Why would I have to accept all this and always feel like the outsider aka the Asian...?!! While in fact there is this whole continent called Asia which is waiting for me (lol) to come and live there and fit in and resemble everybody else there.... Ah! What would it be wonderful to just walk on the streets and not feel displaced... to feel accepted and normal that is....
So this is what I've been struggling with these days as I'm not getting any younger and as time passes by I see myself more and more living somewhere in Korea - probably in Seoul close to the Incheon area where I was abandoned about already 3 decades ago....
One day I will be happily living there, back to the roots as they say! :)
What about you guys? Even though not all of you are adopted I imagine that it must be hard for some of you also to not be living in Asia, am I right?